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Random musings of a bookworm

September 12, 2015 2 comments

Every day, I promise myself that I will use the upcoming weekend for sightseeing, enjoying this beautiful country I am in, get out, meet people, burn off the fat that sneaks up on me unnoticed….

And then, Saturday morning dawns.

I initiate the obligatory “Cleaning Protocol”. Put things away, take out the trash, clean up my physical and virtual spaces.

In doing so, I stumble across a book. A hard copy (rare in my world today), an e-copy. Sometimes, a scribbled note reminding myself that I just have to get such-and-such book.

Sightseeing suddenly loses its appeal. I quickly finish up chores and settle down with a book. It is not advisable to be in the sun between 10am and 4pm anyway, so might as well read. If the book is too good, I might even disconnect the internet and turn off my phone to ensure that real life does not intrude. I must be easy to please, as that happens more often than not.

The enigmatic allure of books, their lusty siren song, the iridescent worlds they open doors to- I am a slave to all that. Although, I do think that in this fast-paced life filled with roller-coasters and unpleasant surprises lurking at every corner, it is a blessing that I have the time to read.

Last week I enjoyed Assimov’s “Youth”, am finishing up Hesse’s “Narcisuss and Goldmund” (Bye-Bye Weekend) and already got my hands on “The Martian” (did I say Bye-Bye Weekend?). As I settle down with my mug of hot chocolate and begin to meld into the lives of fictional characters, I make a silent toast to writers the world over- present and past and future. You guys are my heroes.

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Categories: Reflections Tags: , ,

My positive affirmations

July 3, 2013 4 comments

I do not know whether positive thinking works or not, but I do know that negative thinking drains you of the strength that you need to fight back. So, I am struggling to “think positive”. Apart from Aamir Khan’s classic “All is Well” mantra, I jotted down a few lines for myself. I read them out aloud every time I am down. At the very least, this is keeping negative thinking at bay.

My life will work itself out.

Destiny will stop littering my path with obstacles

I will get the wisdom to take the right step in every situation

I will reach great heights in terms of happiness and prosperity

I will have a lovely family- a caring and worthy husband, and healthy and fortunate children

I will have a stable and fulfilling job

I will have the ability to help others and bring smile to other people’s faces

I will be an asset to this world and a source of pride for my parents

Things will work out soon

In fact, I choose to believe that the process has started today itself.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

Woman, Taken

November 13, 2012 Leave a comment

Marriage, Motherhood, Menopause.
All lost, nothing gained.
All sacrificed, for no cause.

Woman, Taken

Woman, Taken

Categories: Reflections

Random musings of a restless mind that has better things to do, but chooses to muse randomly instead

February 4, 2012 1 comment

I sit at my desk, staring at the hour glass, watching as the creamy grains of sand gently, with servile subjugation and feminine grace, pour through the tiny opening, into the other side. They take with them a part of my life, a part of me. A part, that was yours, that you failed to notice.

My gaze shifts, I catch sight of the solitary moth tracing a mesmerised path towards a brutal light, that will entice it, love it and hurt it, all to preserve its own glory. I can almost hear the candle chuckle with carnal anticipation. I can almost see your face in the auriferous glow.
The wind rattles the window panes, and the noise echoes throughout the hollow corridors, like my sobs did when you left me.

The day dawns, ushering in a new start.
Workings of a sharp mind stifle the sobs of a broken heart.
I pretend that I am strong,
That nothing is askew, nothing is wrong.

It is the nights that I find unbearable. The unending nights that remind of the foolish dreams I wove on the loom of my heart. I spend these nights looking at the hourglass and then, resigned to my fate, I go to bed. My empty bed.

There’s a crowd, but there is no companion, no one.
There are so many lovers, but love there is none.
There is a soul, but it is alone.
There is a heart, but it has turned to stone.

The rain drums softly on the rafters overhead. Little children gleefully press their faces to the windows: yes! School’s out today! Young belles dance on the rooftops, giggling, romping and creating flutter in young male hearts. I look at them and my demons catch hold of me again. This is what I was before I met you.

The sweet comfort of sleep eludes me
Your face haunts my dreams relentlessly
You are my quest, my forbidden destiny
You, I want, for all eternity.

So out of my reach….Like everything else I ever wanted. So vital, like everything I ever needed. So fleeting…Like every memory I’ve ever cherished. Mine, but never close to me.

Categories: Reflections

Winter Descendeth

December 7, 2011 Leave a comment

Winter sweeps its foggy cape, embellished with jewels of sleet and dew,
Over the dark streets and alleys, and heralds the advent of another year new.
As I contemplate the end of this year, I pray for all far and near,
That may our days be bright with smiles, alight with laughter and warm with love;
May our hearts be filled with peace and life with blessings from God above…
Puppies huddling for warmth

Categories: Reflections

Happy Anniversary, Mom and Dad

October 2, 2009 1 comment

I wonder, by my troth, what thou and I did ere we loved.
John Donne. HA

33 years. These two words conjure up such images in my mind that can never be adequately verbalised. It is my parents’ 33rd wedding anniversary. It is hard to believe they have survived the relationship and each other. I feel relieved, surprised, satisfied and amused to see them (or rather, think of them, as I am in Lucknow) together. The bottomline is, I staunchly believe that they are the most beautiful, and the happiest couple in the world right now.

They were not perfect to begin with, and the ten-year age gap between them does not even begin to take the blame. They belonged to different backgrounds; mom hailed from a family shrouded in discipline and was given in marriage at the young age of 21 to my dad. Hell, at 21, my sister and I were toddlers that had just outgrown their nappies.

Dad came from a family where all was fun and games. Discipline, though not unheard of, was largely figurative. Neither dad nor any of his siblings knew how to take their lives seriously. Dad was a particularly imaginative child and till date, old and greying relatives remember his stories. On the other hand, novels and movies were considered deadly sins in Mom’s household.

Needless to say, mom was downright flabbergasted when she stepped into her new house. One major problem was that, while dad and his entire family were blessed with a raucous sense of humor (which has been inherited by sis and me), mom was a stoic, very sensitive individual. Throughout the marriage, Dad’s playful comments malignantly grew into major feuds. Even now, mom cannot withstand several of my well-meaning taunts and this makes it very difficult for me to talk to her. It is only lately that she has begun to realise it is my twisted way of expressing love and affection.

Several other problems came up, including financial issues. So many times a severance seemed inevitable. Yet, against all odds they carried on, supporting each other, compromising, sharing, learning. Dad helped mom to finish her studies and established her career for her. She set up a beautiful home for him and in the later years, saw him through an extended period of ill-health, caring for him in every way possible.

Yes, they have their flaws. They are not the perfect couple. But they are the perfect parents. They are the foundation upon which my sister and I have built our successful lives. They corrected us when we were wrong, and supported us against all odds when we needed a backbone. Of all the things they taught us knowingly and unknowingly, the most important has been how to maintain the balance and sanctity of marriage.

I wish them well for the years to come. Hopefully, eighteen years from now, their bright grandchildren, greying daughters and over-weight sons-in-law will be giving them a stupendous party, where their love and togetherness will envied and coveted by all. Here’s to mom and dad.
HA2

Categories: Reflections

What I hope to achieve in the next one year…

September 5, 2009 4 comments

I have successfully completed one year as a PhD student. It was filled with ups and downs, but nevertheless, it was beautiful, because everything, no matter how insignificant, was unexpected. I learnt more about the world in general and myself in particular, than about immunology and juvenile arthritis. I shed fewer tears and shared a lot more laughs than ever before. I have started feeling like a grown-up. Above all, I have started feeling like a woman.

As I sat down to innumerate my achievements and progress in the past one year, the irresistible urge to peek into the future drew me in to a different realm of thought. It was not easy. Life is no longer confined to timetables and semesters, so it is difficult to read the crystal ball. However, I did pen down a list of all the good and great things that might happen in the days to come. Here they are:

• A paper?
• The end of my bench work?
• Marriage? (Naahhh!)
• A new laptop &/or a new phone?
• A trip to Slovenia?
• A niece/nephew- that’s definite, I shall not put a question mark in front of it.
• A Nikon camera?
• Increased fellowship?
• Will I have any hair left on my head by next September?
• I hope, for their sake, that Amit and Swamy will not be in the lab 364 days from now. I will miss them like hell and probably e-mail them thrice a day.
• Oh yeah, will the flow cytometer live to see another day?
• Will I finally learn to swim?
• Will I finally learn to make presentations just two days before I have to deliver them?
• Will I learn to cross the road on my own?
• Will I learn to cook? Fat chance, but then, I did learn to prepare tea in the last few months!
• Will my blog survive bouts of my inactivity?
• Will ANYTHING out of all this come true?

This is aaaaalllllll I hope for, nothing more.
will it ever happen?

Categories: Poems, Reflections