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Finding Heaven

I have been left to myself lately and have made considerable efforts to extract the fullest from this much awaited tryst with the one person I love the most. Yes, I do not hesitate to admit this; after all, no one knows me better than my own worthy self- I am fully aware of my inhibitions, ambitions, flaws, positives and my deepest darkest secrets. For me, being alone means being with an equal, with no pitfalls in between. But my affections are not the topic right now, the topic is, the discourse that I and I had during our rendezvous.

Well, introspection and retrospection are so deeply entwined in the mesh of human nature, that not a day goes by without encountering them. So, these were joyfully bypassed. I do beg to confess that the alternative I subsequently thought of was not a novel conception-it had been the proverbial straw when I used to be prone to drowning in the quagmire of despair and self-pity in the days of yore. Hence, if one refuses to dwell upon the past and the present, future remains the only recourse.

When I gaze into the crystal ball I do not search furtively for what is concealed in the innards of time to come. Nor do I wistfully build castles in the air, wishing for what might never eventuate. Instead, I simply plan. No matter what situation I find myself in, there are things I want to do for myself (The Loved One). Small things, things that will be tributes to every new day witnessed. Things so simple and mundane, that it becomes almost embarrassingly ridiculous to want to do them. But they hold a deeper meaning; they add colour to the canvas of life. Colors are everywhere-in the sky, in the sea, on the earth. But once they descend upon the blank countenance of a sentient canvas, they become special. Isolation is ordinary, combination is power.

I long for permanence. I want to be firmly planted in a place that I can call my own. No matter how small, how pitiful, “mine” is more important. I am tired of my vagabond existence. I want to unpack my clothes, arrange my books on a shelf, fix a place for prayer, splay the walls with posters that will never be peeled, plant saplings and await their development into trees…I want to grow old sitting on the same steps, staring at the same horizons. No matter where I have to go, I want to travel with the sweet knowledge, that, a house-a home stands ready to welcome me back.

It is easy to live out of a suitcase. But how can you possibly live out of innumerable suitcases, airbags, trunks…? My peregrine ways torment me like a skilled seductress-it sickens me, and yet its vice-like grip keeps me spellbound with promises of a bright future someday.

I sought money, fame, laurels, recognition and the very zenith. When I came close to achieving it all, I realized, that what I really wanted , what I actually needed, was peace of mind.

Success is a journey, not a destination. You cannot hope to achieve anything at the end of it, simply because there is no end. Tranquility is eternal. I want to learn how to be at peace with myself. It is no use running after tangible pleasures, fleeting, evanescent dew drops that caress the petals of the flower of desire, only to disappear with the dawn, leaving the flower to cringe and shrivel. It is the thorn that stays, nay, outstays the flower, protecting it from the lustful gaze of the pluckers reality is a thorn that hurts and protects us at the same time. It is not wrong to dream-dreams are the beautiful butterflies that add true charm to life. But it is heinous to ensconce yourself among the briars of untamed ambitions. I have achieved so much, but I never repaid my former self- the real achiever. Indeed I have become a bonded labourer to my disembodied ambitions.

It is time-not to take a break, but to break free. I have taken the first step towards it, not by letting go of all that I want to achieve, but by treating my goals as easily accessible trinkets, not as the larger than life diamonds that threaten to choke my very existence.

As I sit contemplating this newfound wisdom, a realization dawns. My dream future is already within my grasp. I could learn to enjoy my style of living, so that if, one day, permanence lands at my threshold, I can embrace it with mature confidence acquired through experience and variety. Yes, I have found my heaven; it moves with me, it is within me. Heaven is what I create, not what I crave. A rewarding date with myself, this has turned out to be!!
Finding Heaven

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Categories: Reflections
  1. April 28, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    Arpita,
    beautiful thoughts put together here :)…
    hugs and smiles

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